As if… by Ksenija

As if its not a big deal, we are organizing a Queer festival in Beograd. I almost have no idea who the people around me are. All I know is that I want to do something different, something that will finally problematize everything. From patriarchy to capitalism. A place where we will not hesitate to spit on all kinds of discrimination, without quasi tolerance. Because we are sick of homophobia, nationalism, clericalism, borders, identities, equalizing experiences, exclusion of people & animals, machines. Finally, we will give to ourselves and to one another the right to define the world, the one we want to create, with the knowledge that we also are determinated by patriarchal-capitalist system we live in. I think that after a long time I finally felt creative, and sure that what I do is worth while. And so that is how it began for me. Lots of meetings and discussions. One month before the festival I felt like time was playing with me again. It just started to pass, and everything was too late...then these two girls showed up. Or are there million of them by now? Wow, it was really heavy – trying to separate work from flirting and terrifying falling in love. Its nice to work with people who take care of each other. About 15 days before the festival panic started to take over us, one by one...so one by one we were trying to calm each other. We don’t have enough money, we are doing something queer in a homophobic and disgustingly intolerant country. Constant pressure, what is irrational fear, and what can really happen. How will we handle the street action, which events will be open for everyone, should we notify the media? Is she looking at me like this because she is falling in love with me? Hilarious... I didn’t think about suicide for months. Shit!...did we send invitations to everyone we planned to, am I working less then others, did I write down everything...

We entered the space two days before festival opening. We have to clean THIS?! In two days?! And we did. For me, at the time, it was the most beautiful space in Beograd. We had it all, splotchy carpets, queer cafe, chill out room, cinema room and workshop room. All but clean, available toilet, but this I already managed to forget. Every day I learn something new about me: for how long can we control our bodies and for how long can a bladder hold until it explodes...

...And then, there was the opening. We dressed up, we were all there, even Milan...I think that it was in this moment that I started to dream. As if every pore in my body was open and Beograd suddenly seemed like a free spirited city. Maja kept saying how beautiful everyone is. And we were beautiful that night. Crazy, I wasn’t really aware that we are doing something important, for us, for people who live here, around us. I’m still not sure about what has changed...and if it did change?... I was afraid that nobody would show up, to the opening, to workshops...but they did...different people, some of them I didn’t even know, woohoo... seems we are getting out of our ghetto...

Self-defence workshops...I was constantly asking myself if I politically support such a thing, coz like, I’m against violence and all that, blah, blah.. Then I stopped and began to investigate, my body, my voice, my moves. Especially in those moments, when flashbacks of men, or however they identified themselves, pressing me on elevator walls, underground passages, walls or beds, and when anger just exited.. Why do I run away, why is my fear blocking me, why I never became a ballerina, why of all girls two of them had to be sparing partners? I don’t know if endless repetitions of moves and ways of defence were more important than conversations about roles in witch patriarchal society puts us in. There were about 15 of us. All socialized as women. I think we started to learn our ways of taking over the space and attitudes like «you have to ask me». I kept thinking, while my skin grazed from boxing, about the importance of all this. We practiced in the park. People would stop and stare at us, I have no idea what they were thinking. All I know is that one old lady advised us to go to our homes and help our mothers in cooking lunch. Lana told her that we are learning how to defend our mothers when their husbands beat them. Old lady left. In most families in the world women, girls and boys are raped...but in some schools in Germany self-defense is being taught to kids...there is hope..

Workshop on conservatism and multirelationships... I sit in queer cafe, its turning into a web of relationships, love, jealousy, confusion. Ah, long live confusion, if somewhere I feel safe its with it. We asked a lot of questions, and we were happy to agree that there will be no conclusion at the end of workshop. Isn’t that lovely! No conclusion, process continues, freedom is feasible. I’m confused...We are talking about conservative attitudes towards food, animals, clothes, music, women… when, how, where, how much...and communication. How important it is to communicate about everything...and I realise that, maybe, I still naively believe in solidarity and taking care of others. We repeated couple of times that talking about everything is very important, and it meant a lot to me. I thought that this workshop would help me solve the puzzle, but unfortunately, life is not always what we want it to be..

I have chosen a new mantra: I’m not crazy, only confused, not crazy, not crazy...

I don’t know how I survived those five days. Guarana was a discovery... Workshops, performances, movies... There’s so much we can say to each other..

Concert at Academy club. I was afraid of skins and/or «regular» young orthodox nationalists in the audience. Lollobridgida Girls from Zagreb were cute. French band Tribad initiated revolution in me for a day. Not only for me, but this is my story. While they explicitly talked about oppression against women in English, they were singing tenderly about women in different languages. Irmi and Rita kept the «you have to ask me» spirit, and it seemed that everyone who bothered us left. Those fascists couldn’t do anything to us coz we were all together. Even though I was terrified when they started to rub themselves on girls and make comments, somehow I wasn’t alone, and anyways, this was good opportunity to practice what we have learned: self-defence or revenge, whatever... I left when last band got on stage...misogynist vibes...I didn’t want to let them spoil this evening for me.. Majda was discovery of the night. It so easy not to take care of people. So much contradictions in us. Mantra: I’m not crazy, only confused...and all of it is part of process.. And who would have thought, from all people in the world, biggest problems in this club you can have with its staff...

Morning after...somebody’s stupid idea was to meet at BIGZ before the street party, pick our stuff and leave the space. Im dead tired, didn’t eat enough, I cried a bit, removed some posters, exhibitions, t-shirts, garbage, dishes.. On top of it all, Rade came to video shoot us for television. Ok, that passed, and the thing I was worried about the most – had begun.

Street party. Everything’s ok, weather is not bad, I still didn’t faint, Conni is gorgeous, music is inspiring. People come, people go, they stay with us, eat the food we giveaway.. Everything’s ok, no fascists, or they are here, but finally they are the silent ones. I still didn’t faint. Biggest and the only problem were people who organized the so called March for legalization of cannabis. They knew that we are organizing this party, they knew that we will not call the media because of security – so they did, and in turned out in news on TV that queerbeograd has joined the ganja march. Its funny to see how people who are presenting themselves as free spirited activists can be so manipulative and mean. Street party ended.

For me it was end of the festival. I couldn’t believe it was over, just like now I cant believe that it had happened. Its because of that I’m writing all this, putting this first queer festival into my history. We didn’t kiss on the street, but we danced. We didn’t say much, but we said what was important. For few hours we have conquered the main square. Queeruption..

So we have started something, new and beautiful.

That night Conni played in one club. Street party continued in that club and wave of relief finally made me sleep.. one of the girls went back to her city, one lives and works in Beograd. I don’t know what I’m doing. Is everything ok? I’m not crazy, only confused, there’s no conclusion, the process continues. And I want to continue working like this, with this crew of people, where queer means that we break the boxes that system squeezed us in. We break our own, one to another, and so on...